Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
Do you wish someone a happy MLK day? It sounds a little morbid, given the whole assassination aspect of it all. What I do know is this: Enough of you […]
*Unless it’s on HBO and I’m sitting unswashed on my couch at 3pm on a Sunday, in which case, sure, what the hell.
The Social Network tells the tale of a Jew who attended Harvard and went on to make billions of dollars. Now I know that’s a story we can all relate to, but I’m still going to list two reasons why, in spite of that fact, I don’t want to watch The Social Network: 1. I loathe being reminded that really wealthy people, especially people younger than me, exist and 2. I had the idea for Facebook before Mr. Zuckerberg.
The first of those two assertions is easy enough to defend. While I embrace movies like the Rocky series and Scarface, films about a lovable underdogs who goes on to accrue financial success while chasing their dreams, there is nothing fanciful or exciting to me about some Ivy League prick programming a website then making a mint. In fact, you could have retitled The Social Network “What John’s Life Might Have Been if He Didn’t Sink His High School GPA Senior Year by Lying in Bed Cripplingly Depressed While Listening to Depeche Mode.” I don’t need that! I don’t want to be reminded that, at age 29, especially in light of my intelligence, I should be making six figures and balls deep in a different Cuban model each night instead of living like a homeless eunuch because my choice of work pays shit and women cost money.
The other claim, that I thought of a Facebook-like website before Mark Zuckerberg, is true, though it counts for nothing. Why does it count for nothing? Because, rather than pursue my idea for a site that would allow college students to look up one another and post some pictures and words about themselves, I dropped out of Virginia Tech’s computer science program and got into psychology. And why, pray tell, did I drop out of computer science when I could have done so much with it? Because I watched Office Space over my freshman year Christmas Break and thought “Man, programming is that boring? I’m never going to grow up to be Peter Gibbons!” So, in a manner of speaking, Mike Judge ruined my life by making Office Space so damn amazing. It’s a shame, too: I’d have definitely hooked him up with some of my Facebook money. Your loss, Judge. Your loss.
pk on January 19, 2011
well if it’s any consolation, i think you’re hilarious. i know that pales in comparison with banging a different cuban model each night, but hey…it’s something.
Chesty LaRue on January 19, 2011
Correction: the womens *you* desire cost money. Some of us are out there for shits & giggles. And the amazing sex… which i guess means you’ll never get them, either. Sorry.
Brian on January 19, 2011
Hey yo fat girl, come here, are you ticklish?
Sorry, just felt like dropping some Digital Underground.
Yer Mama on January 19, 2011
Movies aren’t real John. Don’t base your life on them. I will not watch the social network, because dude just got lucky with a random idea, so who gives a shit.
Richard Weare on January 19, 2011
My name is Richard Weare and I live in Calgary, Alberta in Canada and I live myself like a total pig and slob. Actually I am to lazy to ever clean up after myself and for that reason most people say that I am the most useless and lazy little slob and total pig that they have ever met in life.
Zuck on February 16, 2011
If you could have invented facebook, you would have invented facebook.