Government Shutdown–Papa’s Basement Podcast
If you think the government shutdown is a good thing without real consequence, this is not the episode for you. My mom is a government employee. She’s not lazy, overpaid […]
Like the title says, I review these movies without having seen them. I don’t just pull an opinion out of my ass, however, because that could lead to embarrassing situations like me having to praise pieces of shit such as Baggage Claim. (PS–Paula Patton–legally counts as a tan white woman. Even in the South.) My reviews are equal parts Rotten Tomatoes aggregate rating and enjoyment of the director’s previous work. So one might see the 98% Gravity currently holds over at RT and think that I would be primed and ready to accept it within the walls of my gash. You would be wrong.
Why? Because Alfonso Cuarón directed it. The last time this guy (who I didn’t realize was a separate person from Antione Fuqua until the time of this writing) churned out a flick, it was Children of Men. And everyone loved it. Loved it. Except for me. “Blah blah blah, best sci-fi movie since Blade Runner,” was the scuttlebutt (yes, scuttlebutt) at the time. Well, guess what? Seven years have passed and the only time I’ve heard Children of Men mentioned since then is in the last few weeks to promote Gravity. Victory is mine.
Now we have Gravity, starring George Clooney and that woman former famous person Jesse James cheated on. They play astronauts who get stranded alone in space together and, I’m guessing, await rescue despite the odds. A much cooler, braver movie would be these two stuck without hope of rescue, but a 90-minute snuff film starring two beloved celebs probably wouldn’t sell well, so I digress. The whole thing reeks strongly of 2003’s Open Water. If you haven’t seen it (spoilers ahead), the movie features a couple left stranded in the ocean slowly being eaten by sharks. It’s every bit as fun as it sounds. By the time the credits rolled, I felt like my soul had been raped.
I’m sure Gravity is fine, and I’ll probably end up seeing it because I have a date Saturday and zero ideas of what to do with women outside of staring at screens and eating food. I’m just not excited about facing another month or two of everyone calling it the best thing since fellatio. Yes, I’m that crotchety.
(Oh, almost forgot the magic words “Gravity review” to help with SEO.)
David on October 4, 2013
Don’t forget the best part of a movie as a date – the removal of conversation as a requirement