I was a groomsman for the first (and, given how infrequently my friends get laid, probably last) time in my life last weekend, and even I, who was awesome enough to be drinking heavily by middle school, was shocked at the amount of liquor being put down by the wedding […]
We’ve all heard the story before. A female teacher, accused of sleeping with a male student, is charged with rape. I have no idea how the average person reacts to such news, but, with me, it always follows the same arc: Laughter as I envision the Mimi-esque pig the female […]
Everyone has songs they’re ashamed to admit they love. For example, I’m unable to turn the dial any time Ke$ha’s “Your Love is My Drug” comes on. Ke$ha’s a cow who can eat my ass for making me hit shift plus the “4” key every time I should be typing […]
The film Kick-Ass was released a little over a year ago. A tale of a comic-obsessed teen who decides to don a mask himself and fight crime, it sounds like something I would have loved to flush two hours of my life down the toilet with. Only I didn’t, my […]
Thanks to my friend Jen for obliging me and taking the time to sketch this piece. My drawings look like something Muhammad Ali tried to whip up with his left hand. If you want to check out her work, there’s plenty at her web page, http://zora-mae.com. It also lists her […]
10-year-old me just creamed his Spider-Man Underoos imagining how many Legos $10k must buy. A Norman, Oklahoma man was arrested on a grand larceny complaint for attempting to steal over $10k in Lego toys from a Target store. Todd Franklin Curtis’ plan, which makes Heat look like amateur hour by […]
And no, I’m not talking the magnum opus Aliens. Who could be afraid with Hudson protecting them? This post is one of many in a proud tradition of “Was I a relatively normal kid?” articles. It’s a rhetorical question, because I’m well aware I was a tubby little misfit, but […]
I know what you’re wondering: How can a six-year-old be accused of sexual assault? Did he get a girl to drop her diaper for beads? Convince her that she’d never make it to the first grade if she didn’t honk his acorn? Well, at the behest of the authorities, a […]
Terrorist. Murderer. Fiend. Yet there’s one crime we don’t like to admit Osama bin Laden’s guilty of: Possession of one Hell of a pair of these. I have a confession to make: I’m not the most patriotic of men. Yes, I’m very thankful to be born an American, but I’m […]