Finally, A Female Teacher-Male Student Sex Case That’s Obviously Rape

We’ve all heard the story before. A female teacher, accused of sleeping with a male student, is charged with rape. I have no idea how the average person reacts to such news, but, with me, it always follows the same arc: Laughter as I envision the Mimi-esque pig the female party involved must be that quickly fades as the mugshot of the invariably statuesque woman is flashed on screen. In case you’ve forgotten how eminently bangable many of these ladies are, permit me to refresh your memory.

See what I’m talking about? A dye job is all that stands between Debra LaFave and job as a Robert Palmer girl. (Well, that and his advanced state of decomposition.) Amy Northcutt is the spitting image Denise Richards before she was Sheen’d. The only crime these women are guilty of is permanently ruining their victims’ standards. My jealousy knows no bounds when it comes to these lucky bastards. If I ever ran into one, I’m uncertain if I’d shake their hand or come at them like they’d told me to go home and get my shine box. “Rape” is the last word I’d use to describe what this batch of wet dream lotto winners has experienced. Until now. Allow me to introduce you to Ruth Shrader.

According to an affidavit, Shrader bedded the victim (there’s no other word for it in this case) multiple times in a two year period, exchanging money and gifts for the sex. (Kid, get a paper route.) As if that weren’t enough to turn your cock from an outie to an innie, Shrader was a close family friend and an assistant pastor at the kid’s previous church, meaning she’d watched him grow up from a time well before he had hair on his peaches. Throw the book at this vile bitch. Unless she runs a ton of laps and gets some cosmetic surgery while on parole. Then I’d be willing to listen.