Reviewing The Great Gatsby Without Having Seen It

I’m confused by the fact that The Great Gatsby is getting mauled over at Rotten Tomatoes, because, in theory, it sounds like a great movie. In my youth, I enjoyed the frenetic, colorful direction of Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge, both of which are Baz Luhrmann joints as we cool people refer to them. The film’s star, Leonardo DiCaprio, is a dreamboat and a fantastic actor. And the source material is one of the few books I’ve read multiple times. (It’s odd how much this list could also serve in a “Reasons I Should Have Known I Was Gay Since Day One” capacity.)

So what went wrong? Well, there could have been a few things. For starters, unless it’s Office Space presenting it ironically, white folks should never do anything set to hip-hop. There’s also the fact that, despite the aforementioned Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rougue, director Baz Luhrmann was also responsible for Australia, a piece of garbage by anyone’s standards. (And it almost displaced Crocodile Dundee as the highest-grossing Aussie film ever, which would have led to my ritual suicide.) And let’s not forget that the film’s female lead, Daisy, is the biggest piece of human shit in literary history.

THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS. IF YOU SLEPT THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH AND WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE WITHOUT KNOWING THE ENDING, STOP READING NOW AND SHIFT YOUR ATTENTION BACK TO THE FRIES YOU ARE BURNING, YOU ILLITERATE, ZERO-ATTENTION SPAN DUNCE.

I never understood why Gatsby was obsessed with Daisy. Well, I do–we all want what our dick can’t have, and, considering the times, Gatsby probably never got to lay Daisy before he was shipped off to the war. Still, upon learning the bitch married a rich, hulking white supremacist with a hair-trigger temper the instant you left the picture, wouldn’t you think to yourself, “Eh, good riddance to the ditzy cunt. I’m now a millionaire. Time to smash a snowball across two fat Brazilian asses”?

Daisy was everything bad in womanhood personified. Dopey. Disloyal. Unsure of what she wanted. Traits that would lead me to not even give a chick a second date, yet Gatsby built a fortune to woo her. It doesn’t compute. She must have been the one woman in the 20s who knew how to properly finger his ass while going down.

Let me know how The Great Gatsby turns out. With Roger Ebert now enjoying the eternal dirt snorkel, there is no critic out there whose opinion I implicitly trust. You guys are as good as any of them, so leave a comment.

Tagged as: Movie Review.