Reviewing Iron Man 3 Without Having Seen It

I found the first two Iron Man films overrated, and not just because I get off on hating things that other people like: I genuinely didn’t get the fuss. Jon Favreau’s direction was good but nothing fresh. Robert Downey Jr. acting like a manic poonhound for two hours wore thin after 20 minutes. And Pepper Potts needed much bigger tits.

Iron Man 3 releases this weekend and, despite being a second sequel (where the wheels managed to fall off even the proud Alien and Godfather franchises), I have hope for it. Why, you may ask? Because it was written and directed by this man:

If I made that photo any larger, it would go off the edge of the page. Yes, Shane Black, he whose girlfriend’s pussy is big as a house, the teller of the joke I spent my entire childhood repeating to kids on the playground without understanding the punchline to, is bringing his film wisdom to the Iron Man series. Your first assumption might be that my apparent excitement is feigned, but nothing could be further from the truth: Shane Black wrote Lethal Weapon, The Last Boy Scout and The Long Kiss Goodnight. (Sure, he also wrote Last Action Hero, but even Kate Upton takes dumps.) The man is a bona fide master of the manly written word. If anyone could make Iron Man 3 worth watching, it’s him.

When Iron Man 3 sticks its tin dick in all sorts of box office records over the course of its theatrical run (and you know it will), I hope some deserved praise is heaped upon Mr. Black. Yes, undoubtedly much of the film’s success will be due to Robert Downey Jr.’s work, but Toby Maguire returned for Spider-Man 3, and we all know what an abortion that was. It’s direction and writing that make a film, which many people never seem to realize. Shane could have shot Iron Man 3 starring Gabby Sidibe and it would have still been watchable.

I give myself upwards of 80% odds of getting off my ass and viewing Iron Man 3 during its opening weekend, which is the highest praise I can give a film. I believe the last thing I caught in a theater (other than hepatitis from tainted popcorn) was Prometheus, so it’s been a while. Hopefully, Hawkins will be responsible for more material I will spend another decade quoting. I have faith.

Tagged as: Movie Review.