Jack Black’s Gulliver’s Travels Looks Awful

This is a brave thing I’m about to say, but I felt it needed to be said: The terrorist attacks against the United States of America on September 11, 2001, were disgusting and unjustifiable. Phew. I hope you’re still reading after that, but I just had to put it out there. Because that’s how I felt up until this weekend, when, during the Redskins game, I saw a preview for Jack Black’s Gulliver’s Travels. Now, I’m not so sure.


Go ahead and watch the video. I’ll be waiting when you return, suddenly infinitely funnier by comparison. There is so much I could rant about: The rampant special effects, no doubt employed because the plot is weaker than Ryan White during his last days. The superfluous background story of career unfulfillment and an out-of-reach love because we stupid sheep should identify with that and thus autonomically purchase tickets. But I want to focus on Jack Black. Because there was a time, God help me, when I was a gigantic fan of his.


Circa 1995, my favorite thing in life was HBO’s Mr. Show, a sketch comedy show that prominently featured Jack Black and his band, Tenacious D. Back then, as an unknown and presented in small doses, Black’s schtick was incredibly quotable and fun. As he grew more famous, and I would randomly catch him as a supporting character in various movies, I’d think to myself, “Hey, there’s Jack Black, making something of himself. Good for him.” Hell, I even enjoyed Saving Silverman and Shallow Hal (lest you think I don’t have a high tolerance for comedic crap). It wasn’t until 2003’s School of Rock that I began to sour on Black, seeing him as nothing more than a one-note performer, a really poor man’s Chris Farley. And, as the years have passed, that dislike has blossomed into a jihadist’s hatred.


I shouldn’t care about any of this except I watch tons of football. And there are very, very few companies that can afford to advertise during an NFL game. In fact, I think there have only been three commercials aired this season: Carl Weathers screaming “Here we go!,” the alien girls pictured to the right who offer men their space sex and a truck commercial with Johnny Cash playing in the background. If every break now includes Jack Black screaming like an obese, autistic Jerry Lewis, I’m calling it quits until the playoffs.