Q. Papa: I work in IT with a bunch of researchers. We have two communal toilets on our floor. One of the researchers routinely lifts the seat and pisses everywhere except into the bowl. This screws you up if you’re next in line, because not only do you have to avoid the yellow, acrid liquid dropped all over the place when micturating, but you also have to bear the blame if you’re caught leaving said toilet as any passersby will assume you’re the sprinkler.
What do I do? In addition, the pisser is a Chinaman, so he has no concept of manners or common decency (or English, for that matter).–Pissed Off in Pittsburgh
A. Pissed Off in Pittsburgh: Your use of the word “Chinaman” and blanket belief in the hive-like, insectile lack of humanity of anyone born in that Red nightmare, leave little doubt you’re a true fan of my site and a good–nay, great–man, so I’m going to give this my all.
Option one is to use a toilet on another floor. I did this at my previous office job because the animals I worked with didn’t even have the decency to lift the seat before spraying like a hydra with its heads hacked off. These were people I didn’t even want to use the microwave after much less nest my ass in their urine. So every time I had to inflict some punishment upon the plumbing, I’d trek two floors up, to a serene, scentless utopia with clean seats and no one in the stalls next to me. It was like a vacation I could afford.
Option two is to confront the guy about his behavior, but there is a good chance that he will apply his knowledge of martial arts, pressure points and sabotage to make you pay for your decent, Christian honesty. Besides, in a world where people shoot each other over a parking space, confrontation is way overrated. Paste signs on the stall doors that consist of squiggly marks you copied from a Chinese restaurant’s menu. Then, underneath, write “TRANSLATION: STOP URINATING OUTSIDE OF THE BOWL!” That way, everyone knows who the signs are directed at. Either idea is flawless, so feel free to run with one or both.–Papa
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