Rating the Best (and Worst) Easter Candy

I like Easter. Not because I’m a religious man, but because it brings a controlled amount of candy into my life, unlike Halloween, which typically concludes with me tearing up the house like a narc on a drug bust in search of one more bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Through the years, I’ve become something of an expert with regard to Easter candy, and I want to put that expertise to work and rate the contents of my typical Easter basket on a scale of one-to-five chocolate crosses, one chocolate cross meaning “I’d rather eat soiled rodent cage shavings” and five chocolate crosses meaning “The only way this candy’s tasting any better is by eating it off Brooklyn Decker’s tits.” Let’s begin.



Jelly Beans
Jelly beans are a fine starting point because I figure every Easter basket features them and, unless you’re a total mutant, you’ve eaten them at some point in your life. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the jelly bean. I have the same lust for chocolate as a PMSing woman, so a sugary pellet the size and consistency (okay, I can’t confirm that last part…or can I?) of a rabbit turd doesn’t really do it for me. The Jelly Belly brand is definitely above the curve, though some of its flavors are still woefully inadequate. Licorice? Really? Has anyone enjoyed licorice since the days you could legally run over Chinamen in your horseless carriage en route to the nickelodeon?


Rating: Three chocolate crosses for Jelly Belly jelly beans, two for generic.



Peeps
Peeps, much like jelly beans, don’t do it for me due to their lack of cocoa content. That said, I’ll always devour them once I’ve crushed the last of my chocolate. Always remember that proper Peeps eating technique requires you first either shove them in the microwave or hot knife them over the stove like a ball of hash. Just as with the Flaming Moe, fire makes them taste better.


Rating: Three chocolate crosses.



Palmer Hollow Milk Chocolate Rabbits


Even though the chocolate in Palmer rabbits is low-grade, well, it’s chocolate, meaning it gets a thumbs up from me. My biggest issue with the product is the insistence upon not only giving the rabbits really cute faces, but names as well. Why not list their hopes and dreams on the back of the box so I can feel like an even bigger murderer as I devour them? I always bite the head off first, just so Yummy, Sunny, or whomever I’m eating that year can’t stare back at me with those pitiful eyes of theirs. Fuckin’ creepy, man.


Rating: Four chocolate crosses.



Cadbury Creme Egg


Here it is. The money shot of Easter candy. One of my favorite foods, period. The chocolate casing is top-notch. Its filling, while evocative of mashed potatoes with a pound of sugar mixed into them, is also unparalleled. Even the commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs is a beloved childhood memory, my brother and I mimicking the rabbit’s sound to annoying the living shit out of each other well into our teens. Life is all about small victories, folks. Eating a Cadbury Creme Egg is one of them.


Rating: Five chocolate crosses.



Mary Sue Vanilla Butter Cream Eggs
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Every Batman has a Joker. Every Gaga a Ke$ha. Every John Holmes a John Papageorgiou. In order for Cadbury Creme Eggs to exist, there had to be Mary Sue Butter Cream Eggs. Their filling is vile and extremely adhesive, rendering it impossible to gnaw off the chocolate coating without getting some of that venom in your mouth. Trying to eat their shell without ingesting any of the putrid cream contained within is the candy equivalent of a beautiful woman inviting you to bang her…so long as another dude rides shotgun anus. Things will start off okay. And then, at some point in the act, your scrot is going to brush against his. At that moment, as your innocence goes up in flames like Bill Compton on a Cabo San Lucas beach, you’ll realize you paid far too high a price for far too little reward.


Rating: One chocolate cross. Only because I can’t give zero.


Anything you disagree with? Any candy I should have rated? Let me know in the comments section.

Tagged as: easter candy.