Papa’s Basement 4-25-11-Gorging at the Trough of Denny’s Baconalia
My Friday night started off with a disaster of a date, so what was I to do to salvage the night? Why, eat until the pain disappeared, of course! A […]
I like Easter. Not because I’m a religious man, but because it brings a controlled amount of candy into my life, unlike Halloween, which typically concludes with me tearing up the house like a narc on a drug bust in search of one more bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Through the years, I’ve become something of an expert with regard to Easter candy, and I want to put that expertise to work and rate the contents of my typical Easter basket on a scale of one-to-five chocolate crosses, one chocolate cross meaning “I’d rather eat soiled rodent cage shavings” and five chocolate crosses meaning “The only way this candy’s tasting any better is by eating it off Brooklyn Decker’s tits.” Let’s begin.
Jelly beans are a fine starting point because I figure every Easter basket features them and, unless you’re a total mutant, you’ve eaten them at some point in your life. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the jelly bean. I have the same lust for chocolate as a PMSing woman, so a sugary pellet the size and consistency (okay, I can’t confirm that last part…or can I?) of a rabbit turd doesn’t really do it for me. The Jelly Belly brand is definitely above the curve, though some of its flavors are still woefully inadequate. Licorice? Really? Has anyone enjoyed licorice since the days you could legally run over Chinamen in your horseless carriage en route to the nickelodeon?
Rating: Three chocolate crosses for Jelly Belly jelly beans, two for generic.
Peeps, much like jelly beans, don’t do it for me due to their lack of cocoa content. That said, I’ll always devour them once I’ve crushed the last of my chocolate. Always remember that proper Peeps eating technique requires you first either shove them in the microwave or hot knife them over the stove like a ball of hash. Just as with the Flaming Moe, fire makes them taste better.
Rating: Three chocolate crosses.
Even though the chocolate in Palmer rabbits is low-grade, well, it’s chocolate, meaning it gets a thumbs up from me. My biggest issue with the product is the insistence upon not only giving the rabbits really cute faces, but names as well. Why not list their hopes and dreams on the back of the box so I can feel like an even bigger murderer as I devour them? I always bite the head off first, just so Yummy, Sunny, or whomever I’m eating that year can’t stare back at me with those pitiful eyes of theirs. Fuckin’ creepy, man.
Rating: Four chocolate crosses.
Here it is. The money shot of Easter candy. One of my favorite foods, period. The chocolate casing is top-notch. Its filling, while evocative of mashed potatoes with a pound of sugar mixed into them, is also unparalleled. Even the commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs is a beloved childhood memory, my brother and I mimicking the rabbit’s sound to annoying the living shit out of each other well into our teens. Life is all about small victories, folks. Eating a Cadbury Creme Egg is one of them.
Rating: Five chocolate crosses.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Every Batman has a Joker. Every Gaga a Ke$ha. Every John Holmes a John Papageorgiou. In order for Cadbury Creme Eggs to exist, there had to be Mary Sue Butter Cream Eggs. Their filling is vile and extremely adhesive, rendering it impossible to gnaw off the chocolate coating without getting some of that venom in your mouth. Trying to eat their shell without ingesting any of the putrid cream contained within is the candy equivalent of a beautiful woman inviting you to bang her…so long as another dude rides shotgun anus. Things will start off okay. And then, at some point in the act, your scrot is going to brush against his. At that moment, as your innocence goes up in flames like Bill Compton on a Cabo San Lucas beach, you’ll realize you paid far too high a price for far too little reward.
Rating: One chocolate cross. Only because I can’t give zero.
Anything you disagree with? Any candy I should have rated? Let me know in the comments section.
Nina on April 26, 2011
You forgot Reese’s peanut butter eggs. Now it sounds like it would taste just like a regular Reese’s peanut butter cup, but it doesn’t. I never thought anything could taste better than a Reese’s peanut butter cup, until I tried these eggs. The chocolate shell is softer and more pliable than a regular cup and is therefore creamier and tastes 1 million times better. The Reese’s peanut butter egg is the perfect chocolate candy. Period.
patty on April 26, 2011
The only thing I can disagree with is the Cadbury egg thing. They are nasty. bought them once & never again.
T-bags on April 27, 2011
Hi John.
One thing you’ve forgotten. They now have like Reese’s “minicups”. It’s a bag filled with miniature Reese’s peanut butter cups that are unwrapped. In 2 seconds, you can tear open the bag and then pour the entire bag of peanut butter cups in your mouth. I do. Well, too many in the bag for one pour. But give it a try.
T-Bags
Nyssa23 on April 29, 2011
My favorite was always the Russell Stover filled egg. (Examples here: http://www.candyblog.net/blog/item/russell_stover_eggs_2009/)
Truffle eggs. Yum. Plus, they’re usually pretty cheap.