Reviewing G.I. Joe: Retaliation Without Having Seen It

Six years have gone by since the original live-action Transformers. With the passage of time, it’s becoming more and more obvious that the film is seen as a rather seminal achievement in summer popcorn cinema. And that is depressing on so many levels.

Let’s be honest: The first Transformers was mediocre. Seeing our childhood toys brought to life was novel for five minutes, and we all wanted to ass-to-mouth Megan Fox in Optimus Prime’s cab, but that was it. The script was weak, the direction predictable, and the action sequences were CGI nonsense. (Do you ever ponder how stupid those things scenes look as they’re being filmed? Just retard Shia LaBeouf in the middle of a green stage talking to some guy in a motion-capture suit. It’s nonsense.)

Thanks to Transformers‘ success, the American populace has been subjected to a slew of movies that fit the following criteria:

–Based upon a children’s toy popular in the 80s.

–Contain CGI action sequences featuring gigantic robots.

–Use that horrible metal-on-metal noise that sounds like a sword raping an automobile during action sequences.

–They objectively suck.

I hate having Hollywood plunder the memories of my youth just because everyone is going broke as this nation slowly circles the drainpipe and any movie that isn’t guaranteed to make at least $250 million is a bomb. And if you’re going to do it, do it well: Don’t skimp on the director and script–ten mil to take a movie from utter piece of shit to semi-watchable is money well spent in my mind. You’re also not limited to toys, you vapid, Southern California coke-vacuum yes-men. Do you know how many people would cream their pants for a movie based on Contra or Castlevania?

Was this a review of G.I. Joe: Retaliation? Yes. Of course it was. In the same way that Mr. Miyagi teaching Daniel-san to wax cars was actually preparing him for a life of brutal bloodsport. Sometimes I can be sneaky like that. Ask any ex of mine who couldn’t stay up late because they had work in the morning and thought that I was coming over “to just talk.”