Reviewing Identity Thief Without Having Seen It

Without having seen it, I can safely say that Identity Thief embodies all that is wrong in comedy. The plot is contrived. (A man whose identity is stolen goes on a cross-country trip to seek out the person who stole it. Because one responds to crimes like these by becoming a private investigator. The same way I’d go to dental school and then drill my own tooth if I had a cavity.) The setups are contrived. (What? A scene where two disparate characters listen to the radio in the car together? No way!) Even the name is contrived. (You just know some Hollywood prick thought to himself, “There are tons of Okie pissants who have had their identity stolen. I defy them to skip a movie with a name like this,” then shat out this half-hearted-handjob of a script accordingly.)

Having established that the movie is contrived garbage–the logic presented in my prior paragraph is irrefutable–one might think to themselves, “Well, at least I like leads in Identity Thief, so I still might check it out.” My question to you is this: Why do you like them? I find Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman pleasant in the same way you have a steak at Outback and think to yourself, “Well, it isn’t Morton’s, but I suppose I didn’t choke on it, either.”

Truthfully, the only thing I know McCarthy from is Bridesmaids‘ shitting-in-a-sink scene, and that would skew my perception of anyone towards the positive. I could be hunting my father’s killer, and, right as he enters my crosshairs, see him frantically run to the sink to void his bowels. You know what I’d think after that? “Maybe I was all wrong about this guy.” Keep that in mind the next time you want to sing the woman’s comedic praises.

And as for Mr. Bateman, the guy reinvented himself via Arrested Development with a likeable, cool, black-people-think-Paul-Rudd-and-I-are-the-same-person persona and has been riding that pony ever since. I’m going to list the following efforts he’s been involved in after AD and, if you tell me the character they played in them is any different from the one he played in that show, you deserve this:

Horrible Bosses
Couples Retreat
Extract
Juno
The Change-Up

Those are just the movies I remember him playing Michael Bluth in. Off the top of my head–no IMDB cheating. So I think it’s safe to say we know what he’s going to bring to this film.

I shouldn’t have written this article, because, if you had any urge to view Identity Thief, you deserve what you’re going to get. It’s the same way a person shouldn’t be stopped moments before they earn a Darwin Award. Nature must be permitted to take its course. Damn me, I guess I just care too much.

Tagged as: Movie Review.