Reviewing This Weekend’s Movies Without Having Seen Them

This weekend looks like it has three new pieces of disappointing shit opening. Oops, did I let the cat out of the bag already?

I’m not going to assume that your mother drank during pregnancy if you’re excited to see this film, but if you are, and you held a Magic 8-Ball and shook it while asking “Should I kill myself because there is literally zero way that I’m going to contribute anything to the cultural landscape or even sire offspring worth drawing breath?,” the answer would come back “Signs point to yes.”

The film stars a bunch of active-duty U.S. Navy SEALs doing military stuff. The problem is that Navy SEALs aren’t actors. Would you want to watch a football movie where a bunch of actual football players tried to act? No. It sounds awful. I’d rather shove glass up my urethra then squeeze my shaft until I bled out. So, all respect to Navy SEALs aside, steer clear of this unless your idea of a good time is spending the first 20 minutes of a movie listening to a bunch of rubes whispering the following in the thickest of Southern drawls: “Did you know those are actual Navy SEALs? Yup, they ain’t just Hollywood acting queers! GIT R DONE!”

Here’s the movie’s official synopsis: “A successful, wealthy businessman, Wesley Deeds (Tyler Perry) has always done what’s expected of him….But Wesley is jolted out of his predictable routine when he meets Lindsey (Thandie Newton), a down-on-her-luck single mother who works on the cleaning crew in his office building…The chance encounter with someone so far outside his usual circle ignites something in Wesley…[and] may finally spark his courage to exchange the life that’s expected of him for the life he’s always really wanted.”

I had to edit about half of that out because it was boring, and that’s just the goddamn synopsis, so imagine how putrid the movie must be. If Tyler Perry actually had the courage to exchange the life that’s expected of him for the life he’s always really wanted, he’d make the Wesley character a successful film director and the Thandie Newton character would be replaced by James the Janitor, portrayed by Mos Def. Then Wesley could come to terms with the fact that he likes having a mop stick jammed in his cram hole and later watch his loyal black audience desert him in droves because he made a movie about being gay instead of living out one boring lie after another. FIN.

Wanderlust is the one film opening this weekend that held a bit of promise because 1. It’s a comedy 2. I don’t despise Paul Rudd in spite of his success or the fact that literally every woman I know would bathe in his ejaculate and 3. Jennifer Aniston isn’t a horrible comedic actress and has awesome, shotgun shell Farrah Fawcett nipples. Unfortunately, I’ve heard this one is a bit of a cluster fuck, so wait for it to hit HBO and save yourself the $57 it would take to watch this in a theater with someone.

Tagged as: Movie Review.