Reviewing Snow White and the Huntsman Without Having Seen It

Another summer weekend, another piece of unnecessary cinematic shit we’re supposed to care about. This week’s offering is Snow White and the Huntsman, which features Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart and Thor. Why was it made? I’m not sure. I haven’t seen Disney’s Snow White in 25 years because I don’t have children and I’m not a pedophile, but I remember it being pretty good at what it did.

“But John, this telling of the tale is much closer to the Brothers Grimm original, with which I’m quite familiar,” you might condescendingly say if your high school weekends were filled with Cure albums, tears and no interpersonal contact. And, while that may be true, being closer to reality doesn’t make something more watchable. If Rocky were closer to reality, the white guy would have lost. A lot. And who wants that? Besides, if Snow White and the Huntsman were less-faithful to the original, they could have worked in a fantastic sex scene between the evil bitch queen and Snow White. Where’s your celebration of faithfulness to the original now, Mr. Still-Masturbates-To-His-Yearbook?

The only aspect of Snow White and the Huntsman that makes me happy is Kristen Stewart. Not that I find her particularly attractive (though I would have sex with her if she asked politely because mine is a gracious soul), but young women uniformly hate her because she lands Edward Cullen, and their anger amuses me. Not that girls will ever admit to that being the reason they hate Kristen. No, if asked why she’s such an unpalatable actress, the same women who cheered on Rihanna in Battleship will suddenly channel the spirits of Gene Siskel and tell you how limited Stewart’s range is and otherwise try to apply logic to their blind, visceral hatred of she who stands between them and vampiric cock.

I guess Snow White and the Huntsman does have a use, after all: If you’re in the doghouse, just take your girlfriend and then ask her afterward what she thought of Kristen Stewart. And, while she’s blathering on, check out a few of the high school girls who were able to watch the movie because it’s rated PG-13. Everyone wins.

Tagged as: Movie Review.