Stuff My Friends Sell

Dreams come in all shapes and sizes. For example, I have a dream that, one day, the woman pictured above will be my wife because she’s charitable and classy, like Princess Diana. There’s also my dream of being a successful, world-famous entertainer, which is obviously going great because you’re the fourth person who’s read this article. While I’ve taken a mulligan on life in order to pursue my goals, I have friends that still manage to function as normal human beings while striving for success in outside endeavours (I used the British spelling with a “u” to class things up given all the masturbation jokes coming later in the article). Here are their stories.

Wine Wear
Wine Wear is the reason I wrote this article. While at my 10 Year High School Reunion (which you can read about here), my old friend Jesse mentioned that he and his wife had started a company that produced a variety of greeting cards that fit around wine bottles called “Wine Wear.” The idea sounded clever and, wanting to sound like a big shot who had some sort of pull in life, I vowed that I’d write about his product on my website to toss him a few sales. He became ecstatic and, good soul that he is, said he’d mail me a few samples so I could try out Wine Wear before I wrote about it. A package containing tons of free Wine Wear swag arrived promptly on October 9, 2009, less than a week after the reunion. I’m now writing this article on June 18, 2010. Yeah.

The worst part about it all is that I had absolutely no way to try out the samples Jesse sent me before I wrote about them. I mean, I don’t exactly live in a world where I buy bottles of wine for my affluent friends as we chat about our lucrative careers in the four bed, three bath house I just put a down payment on. I’m still pissed about the fact it cost me $4.71 for the KFC popcorn chicken I ate for breakfast. ($4.71 represents almost 25 Wendy’s chicken nuggets. KFC must be injecting the same steroids they use on their chickens into their balls to get ’em big enough to charge that much.) But I finally did come up with a use for the Wine Wear that I found rather ingenious:

So please, go to Winewear.com and browse the inventive, colorful wares (mandatory pun). Because booze given with a card around it makes you seem like less of an alcoholic just itching to chug the bottle you brought to the party the instant the hosts uncork it.



Nice Dreams Candles
Carmen (pictured above licking my eye as I sport a hair style designed to accentuate my fourth and fifth chins) is one of the best friends I’ve ever had. She is compassionate, extremely intelligent and was the first female in my life that didn’t look like Louie Anderson with a twat. I’d have married her were I not so certain that we’d eventually end up re-enacting every scene from Sid and Nancy. (That and she’s like a baby sister to me, which means the sex would be kinda weird and I’d have to give her a Barbie each time to keep her from telling mom and dad.)

Carmen makes and sells candles, most of which look and smell exactly like food. She sent me a few of these beauties a while back and I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know if I should eat them, light them up or start grinding my crotch against them like the rope in gym class. (Thankfully, she mailed three candles, so I didn’t have to choose. Hiyo!) My room now smells like an awesome bakery instead of that pit Buffalo Bill used to trap that fat girl in Silence of the Lambs. “It orders the candles by clicking here. It does this whenever it’s told.”



Cheekie Bottoms Dolls
Last, we have my buddy Karly, who has been creating some really cool and creepy dolls for a while now which you can view and purchase here. They remind me of the works of Tim Burton before he decided to quit being creative and turned each of his movies into a homo love letter to Johnny Depp. I’m not going to act like some goddamn doll expert, but they look plenty well done to me. Plus, I’m sure if you purchased one and put it on your shelf to stare at during sex you would last forever. It’d be like trying to cum while thinking about those aliens from Communion.


So go ahead and browse my friends’ wares. And, if you decide to buy anything, let them know you found out about them through my website. I’m not in the “good deeds without proper credit given” business.

Tagged as: Etsy,  Johnny Depp,  Kim Kardashian,  Nice Dreams Candles,  Tim Burton,  Wine Wear.