I Don’t Understand Piercings, Either
A month ago, I wrote an article (here) about not grasping why people get tattoos. And, because I’m aiming to come off as more crotchety than Old Man Clemens, now […]
Don’t let the title fool you: I eat at Subway. A lot. But lately I’ve been forced to conclude that Subway “restaurants” suck. (The balls on that company, referring to itself as a restaurant. They’re a restaurant like I’m a successful disc jockey and comedy writer with a cock you could wrap a wristwatch around.)
My first beef with Subway is the sandwiches taste like shit because they whore you on the meat (I swear that beef wasn’t put in there in an attempt at a horrid food pun). When I buy a turkey sub, give me a solid half-inch layer of turkey, goddamn you. Those bastards spread it on thinner than the lettuce, as if the meat were a condiment. And it’s even worse if you order a meatball sub: Then you can watch the “sandwich artist” making your sub slowly count out the eight meatballs intended to cover a foot of bread like they were doling out gold coins on a Medieval pay day. Perish the thought a friendly face sneak a 9th meatball onto your sub: Abdullah the Artisan might wind up with his hands chopped off as if he were back in the old country.
My second complaint about Subway? It loves to portray itself as some healthy alternative to drive-through fast-food, but there’s no way on Earth it’s good for you. You’re eating an entire loaf of bread. You know who else used to eat an entire loaf of bread in one sitting? Elvis. Sure, he’d hollow it out and fill it with peanut butter, jelly and a pound of bacon, but the gist is the same. Sprinkling lettuce on top of 500 calories of carbohydrates doesn’t make it healthy. If it did, I’d have washboard abs and both of my feet back. (Yay diabetes jokes.)
Again, I don’t hate Subway. In fact, just writing about them makes me want to go and buy some of their slop because that’s how weak and open to suggestion my mind is. I just wish they adopted a more accurate slogan than “Subway – Eat Fresh.” Something like “Subway – Because You Hate Your Body but Don’t Have the Willpower to Eat a Salad.” Much better.
terryl on January 5, 2011
“because that’s how weak and open to suggestion my mind is.”
So awesome. Yay diabetes jokes.
Brian on January 5, 2011
I feel like every time I’ve ordered a 12 inch wheat, I end up taking the Browns to multiple Super Bowls within the first two hours after finishing.
Nyssa23 on January 5, 2011
Also, their attempts at “Latino” sandwiches like carnitas and barbacoa totally suck balls. I swear I heard my ancestors weep in their graves when I ordered the barbacoa that one time. :/
Anna on January 18, 2011
I don’t really have a response to this other than… um… hahahaha
MB on March 9, 2011
When I worked there in highschool, one of my fellow sandwich artists who was also a manager told me the wheat bread was just white bread dyed beige.
Keith on June 9, 2011
What about the quality of their meatballs?
Is there even any MEAT in them?
When you bite into one it is seriously tan inside, not a meat color at all.
More like soy balls…
Jo on January 9, 2012
My buddy owns an independent and is taking on Subway and the crap they serve. watch the video starting at the 4 minute mark as he tears apart a subway sandwich to show how little they put on and the garbage they put in there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnoLqBrf9Z0
smiling peter on January 12, 2012
Subway,eat fresh ? B.Shit,processed meats on their crappy food,how about real chicken or beef etc. they are pooose !
Sam on October 1, 2012
Subway is a crap franchise. All the meats are processed and crap and every thing is portion controlled. According to their “formula” you are supposed to put 6 pickles/6 olives on a foot long and they are skimpy with the meat.
The company does not give a damn about their franchisee’s they are only interested in loading their wallets.
Frank on November 11, 2012
Older guy here, mid-40s. Swear to God Subway used to be half decent. Gave up on them two years ago when our little town finally got one. Now the meats are sliced paper thin. And like Sam said, toppings are skimpy too. I never got 6 olives on a footlong BMT. I got 6 slices of olives that maybe added up to one olive. Get lettuce on a footlong BMT and all you taste is lettuce and bread. Beats the hell out of me how they stay in business, especially now with that precooked frozen egg white patty breakfast biz. And that salmonella poisoning they had in Illinois in 2010 pretty much showed ‘restaurants’ (Subway assembly units) must get their vegies in large batches that last almost a month. That salmonella poisoning stretched from mid-May to early June. Does anyone here buy a couple heads of lettuce, or a bunch of tomatos, shred and slice it all, and keep it in the fridge for three or more weeks? And with decent ham and salami at the supermarket at $6 or more a lb., there’s no way Subway can turn a profit unless they cheap out everything in the sandwich.
dunfore on July 17, 2013
I work across the street from the subway in whiteriver jct vt,, those fucking idiots cant make four sandwiches right they will fuck up of two outta four on a phone order if they don’t hang up on u 1st or just not pick up the phone if they didn’t want phone orders why put the phone number on back of the god damn menu,, I finally blew my stack with the fucking dumbasses that work ther when I order a BLT w/mayo I get back to work I get bacon an mayo, so I go back an was told people allways order BLT but don’t want lettuce an tomato, who the fuck is this dumbass to decide whether I want lettuce an tomato on my sandwich,, I finally gave the dumbasses a piece of my mind an now have been barred from entering the property ,,,, fucking idiots is all I can say