The D.E.N.N.I.S. System-It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Remember that article I wrote a few months ago about “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” jumping the shark? (Of course you do. I mean, who doesn’t hang on my every word?) Well, time for me to eat crow (or take a crow suppository or however crow is taken in today’s busy world) because the show’s latest episode, “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System,” capped off a string of recent Always Sunny masterpieces. Yes, Always Sunny is back. And largely because of Dennis’ brilliant system of pickup seduction.

For those of you familiar with the pickup artist community, the episode is an obvious and rather brilliant satire of the cult of personality surrounding men like Mystery and Style. For those of you not familiar with pickup, I’ll break it down for you: Guys that at one point in their life had a paralyzing fear of women went out and got spray tans, purchased nice clothes and learned a few canned jokes to deliver to women. They acted very cocky so that women would convince themselves that these men were high status, and the women would become intrigued and want to sleep with said men with little or no dating involved. Lather, rinse, repeat and these progenitors of pickup built themselves harems of desirable women who required little upkeep. Seeing money to be made, they went out and shared their secrets (for a fee) with others, thus founding the pickup community.


The episode hinges on Dennis’ own pickup guidelines, branded the “D.E.N.N.I.S. System,” which consists of:
D-Demonstrate Value (Show the woman you wish to seduce your high status. Sound familiar?)
E-Engage Physically (Sleep with her asap to set a physical tone for the relationship.)
N-Nurturing Dependence (Make her rely on you. Dennis encourages slashing her tires so she needs rides.)
N-Neglect Emotionally (Once she’s slept with you, pull away to make her question her self-worth.)
I-Inspire Hope (Build her back up by saying you only left because you fell too hard and too quickly for her.)
S-Separate Entirely (Bail once you’ve slept with her a few more times.)

We see Dennis recounting the successful implementation of his system upon an unsuspecting woman in the episode’s first few minutes, perhaps the funniest segment the show has ever produced. The rest of the episode centers around Dennis’ attempts to seduce the woman once more to prove to his sister, Dee, that he is not a sociopath and that the D.E.N.N.I.S. system leaves women forever receptive to his wiles. To accomplish this, Dennis must overcome not only his former conquest’s bitter hatred of him but also the attempts of Mac and Frank to employ their own seduction methods (the “M.A.C. Method” and “Crumb-Feasting,” respectfully) to sleep with the woman in question.


I probably took far more delight in the episode than the average viewer because a few years ago, I got really into the whole pickup thing for a few months. I changed the wardrobe, tweezed my eyebrows so I didn’t resemble Eugene Levy so strongly and forced myself to go out drinking a few times a week. The entire campaign was a failure because my self-loathing overdrive kicks in any time I’m out at a club surrounded by attractive people and whenever I stick my penis in a woman, I visualize her eyes turning into slot wheels with prizes like “child support payments” and “the high five” (HIV) whirling by. Regardless, do yourself a favor and look up the episode on Hulu when it is available later this week. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must leave to demonstrate my value to the ladies with a box of Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds.

Click here to watch “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System” via Amazon.

Tagged as: D.E.N.N.I.S. system,  Dee Reynolds,  Dennis Reynolds,  Dr. Mantis Toboggan,  Eugene Levy,  Frank Reynolds,  Hulu,  Mac,  Mystery,  Pickup Artist,  Pua,  Style.