Reviewing The Heat Without Having Seen It

Before we begin, I must mention that the name The Heat is a travesty. There is only film by the name Heat and it is the greatest piece of cinema that ever was and ever will be. No other movie should be permitted to include the word “heat” in its title. I’m not even fond of seeing “warm” or “flame” to be honest.

All that is wrong with The Heat can be gleaned from its official tagline:

Uptight FBI Special Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) and foul-mouthed Boston cop Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy) couldn’t be more incompatible. But when they join forces to bring down a ruthless drug lord, they become the last thing anyone expected: buddies.

Let’s start with the obvious: Becoming buddies isn’t the last thing we expected these two to do, it’s the first thing. A movie like The Heat is nothing more than a countdown of contrived setpieces until that “magic” moment occurs when the supposedly disparate characters realize, “Hey, maybe we aren’t so different after all!” Brilliant! Maybe next Hollywood can give us a movie about a mysterious new kid in school who doesn’t really fit in. That is, until the basketball coach whose job is on the line learns he has a wicked jump shot. Then, he goes on to win States, save the coach’s job and become the coolest kid in school. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Working our way backwards, it’s good to see we have a ruthless drug lord. Can’t have a buddy cop movie without one of those. I like that the ruthlessness had to be mentioned. Since most men that rise to the top of a criminal empire had excellent marks for self-control during grade school, where they were voted “Most Likely to Succeed”.

A Boston cop by the name of Shannon Mullins? New movie ground is being broken by the minute here. I will remember this moment in the same way people recall where they were for Kennedy’s assassination. My one problem is that the name Shannon Mullins isn’t Irish enough. We all know that the only ethnic group present in Boston are the Micks, so maybe a name that isn’t so subtle about McCarthy’s character’s background would be more appropriate. The moniker Shaleighleigh O’WhiskeyShamrocks would make it clear this little lady works hard but parties even harder! (As an aside, Melissa McCarthy is fun enough to watch. If you like seeing Chris Farley perform his act again with a vagina and smaller breasts.)

Finally, there’s Sandra Bullock as the uptight Sarah Ashburn, which is moviest movie character name I’ve heard in years. Sarah Ashburn is strictly by the books, people! The only thing she drinks is coffee, the only television she watches is the news and the only penises she rides are white! Except…could this be? Is there a chance that the buttoned-down Sarah Ashburn learns a thing or two from her madcap partner? Like sometimes, in order to enforce the rules, you have to bend them a little? I don’t know, but I want to pay $15 to find out!

There has been exactly one non-predictable buddy cop movie: 48 Hrs. Not coincidentally, it was also the first. Every film in the genre since that first foray has felt the need to make the starring duo best friends by the end of the film. But not 48 Hrs. Do you know the heartwarming ending to that film? Nick Nolte stops calling Eddie Murphy “nigger” for five seconds. Not a dry eye in the house. Take the money you would have spent on The Heat, buy a copy of 48 Hrs. and mail the remainder to me in thanks.

Tagged as: Movie Review.