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It’s springtime again. And we all know what that means: Driving with the windows down. Women wearing less. And, if you live in Virginia, the smell of old semen permeating you like smoke at a cigar bar.
That last one might seem a little left field if you’re not from my area. No, citizens of Old Dominion don’t start the season with a ritual Bukkake. There is a certain tree in the area (most likely the Bradford Pear, though the culprit might be another) that, when in bloom, smells powerfully and unmistakably of cum. That reek, along with Daylight Saving Time and the start of baseball season, lets me know that winter’s officially over.
Why am I writing about this (other than to test how many synonyms for spunk I can come up with)? Because, until a few weeks ago, I thought that these trees were a pretty localized phenomenon. Then I saw this:
Judging by the sketch (I learn a troubling amount of my historical knowledge through comedy), Virginia doesn’t have a monopoly on jizz blossoms; at the very least, we’ve managed to sully Britain with them, too. Which got me thinking about just how far has the cum tree’s reign of terror managed to spread. So I propose to anyone reading this article: If you have these stinky blights in your area, leave me a message and tell me what other places have been conquered by these seminal saplings.
Yo on April 7, 2011
I’m thankful you wrote this, thankful im not the only one who thought this.
I always thought it was magnolia tree blossoms, never considered a Bradford pear. There was a magonlia tree outside my freshman dorm …so who knows if it was the tree or you know…
-B on April 7, 2011
We’ve got them in Jersey, too.
I believe they’re called Dogwood trees. They used to grow near the Dairy Queen where I grew up, and for the longest time I assumed there was an active whorehouse working out of the back of that building. Oh the amount of times I applied for a job there
Klllllllllg on April 7, 2011
It’s definitely Bradford Pears. We have them by the loads in Georgia. I never quite knew how to describe the smell, but that’s pretty spot on.
( . )( . ) on April 8, 2011
Ginko trees smell very foul also. Don’t know if they smell like spooge because I’ve never been near a ginko tree.
Heather Carey on April 8, 2011
I love that smell.
patty on April 8, 2011
When those friggin’ trees start blooming my allergies go NUTS! So I can’t smell a damn thing. Just as well it seems! lol
BrendaBren on April 10, 2011
O-M-G! This is disgusting and funny. You guys on the East Coast must be more aware of trees and their names cos I have no idea what kind of trees are out here except for palm trees and eucalyptus trees. Guess I’ll find out in a couple of weeks. Cheers!
Dom Rumbolo on April 16, 2011
I always thought it was the smell of kids masturbating in tree houses.
Meg_Va on February 7, 2012
We have jizz trees in KY too. We also have a tree that smells like dead fish/wretched vag.