The Top Five Christmas Songs Ever (Plus One That I Despise)

Note: You can click any of the song titles to download the .mp3 directly via Amazon. Because me shilling like a Jew when writing about Christmas songs is deliciously ironic.

I’m a huge fan of Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” because I can’t remember a Christmas without hearing the song. I don’t care one bit about Bing, though he allegedly smoked weed by the pound and beat the ever-loving shit out of his fat son Gary whenever the kid gained an ounce, both of which are admirable qualities. The song remains a favorite because, the older you get, the more pleasure you derive from your earliest memories, no matter how awful they might be. With enough time, even a repressed memory of a mall Santa fingering your ass would go down like a cold beer on a hot day.

I love this song because it reminds me of getting head. From a woman. I felt I should clarify that. Back in college, I had a girlfriend who opted to spend a week of her Christmas break with me. The girl was awesome in a lot of ways, but most important was that she lived to go down. I’m talking zero cajoling on my part. Not even a raised eyebrow. Just, “Hey, I’m bored, let me blow you.”

“Last Christmas” enters the picture because the girl in question was obsessed with the song and would sing it non-stop every time her mouth wasn’t full of my dick. It wasn’t literally “Last *gulp* Christmas *gulp* I gave you my heart *gulp gulp*” bad, but pretty close. And, as Pavlov proved, you can condition a physical response via an unrelated stimulus, which is why, every time I hear the first lines of “Last Christmas,” I pop a rager. True story.

“Christmas in Hollis” is another song I heard at a very young age that stuck with me. Everyone enjoys this song, even my mother, and she hates rap of any sort. A note to black people: Ever since this song came out, all white people believe that your Christmas dinners consist of nothing but chicken, collard greens, rice, stuffing and macaroni and cheese. I suppose that’d be a problem if it weren’t the truth.

I really don’t need to explain why The Ramones wound up on this list because they were amazing, but here goes: This song captures what actually goes down during one of my family Christmases. We’re a bunch of temperamental Greeks who scream at each other whenever we interact. Toss in the stress of cooking, buying presents and several mandatory hours together and you can see why the success of each of Christmas is measured in how long it took for the inevitable meltdown to arrive.

Elvis was the best. He was the first rock star, and a Southern rock star at that, meaning it’d take a mind like Bobby Fischer to truly comprehend the quality of the ass he slew. Guys like Robert Plant and Jimi Hendrix were skunking the same ungroomed hippie pussy that was being tossed around like a Frisbee while Elvis was wiping off his shaft in Ann-Margret’s hair. What does all this have to do with “Blue Christmas”? Absolutely nothing. I just want you to remember this Christmas that there’s only one true King, and he wasn’t born in a manger.

There is so much about this song that I loathe that it’s difficult even picking a place to begin. The cunty whispers at the beginning. The obnoxious use of a children’s chorus. The fact that John Lennon had the balls to tell anyone how to live their life when he abandoned his first wife and his non- ^_^ -eyed son, Julian like lumps of shit in a dog park.

It’s the condescension present in the refrain of “War is over/If you want it” that gets to me the most, though. You know what, asshole? No one likes war. You aren’t some heady genius for standing against it. Sometimes, though, as much as everyone hates something, it becomes a reality. Just look at the WNBA. The next time you want to make a statement by sliding the stem of a flower down the barrel of a gun, how about you jam it up your cockhole instead? At least that’s amusing. I only regret that Mark David Chapman didn’t get into you sooner.

Tagged as: Christmas.