Adele’s Ex Dumped Her For a Guy

Whereas a normal fat girl would take getting dumped as an opportunity to economically bail out the local Dairy Queen, Adele decided to write an album about it, instead. Good for her, I suppose. Looks like those years of excessive chewing developed some really strong pipes.

The reason I’m bringing this up is that a new, unauthorized biography alleges that Adele’s ex was bisexual and he left her for another man, which forces me to address the following three points: 1. I’m willing to cut Adele a little more slack because, on the scale of humiliation, a man leaving a woman for another man ranks up there with walking in on your wife getting gangbanged by the New York Knicks. 2. This is the first I’ve ever heard of a gay guy being close with a fat girl and I’ll have my scientists look into it immediately and 3. Girls, don’t date bi guys. Not because I’m afraid they’ll give you AIDS (they might) or that you’ll go down on them and come up looking like you just ate a hot fudge sundae without using your hands (you might), but women, I’ve noticed, tend to like fidelity. And guys that swing both ways have way too many options. If I could walk over to a gay club and get my dick sucked at 3 am every night I struck out with the ladies, I’d be doing a lot of walking to gay clubs at 3 am. In fact, I’d probably start my night there to begin with to increase my odds of getting multiple bjs. What the Hell would I be wasting my time with women for? Finicky bitches.