Are All Cellphone Batteries Awful?

I’ve been a cellphone owner for over a decade and have owned my fair share of cellphones. I’m talking phones from way back, with that awful, pea green Game Boy screen all the way up to the newest feature phones (though not smartphones because I’m still too cheap to pay $30 a month for Internet access and I wouldn’t trust myself with such easy access to pornography even with oven mitts duct taped to my hands). Lately, I’ve come to conclude that, even as cell phone technology gets better and better, battery life gets worse and worse.


I think I had to charge my first cell phone three or four times, tops. That thing could have been used to jump start a car, God rest its soul. The next few phones, while possessing nowhere near that sort of battery life, could still skip a day of charging and be fine. It wasn’t until recently that my phones not only required nightly charging (which I’m cool with), but demanded I bring a charge cable with me because they would die during the course of the day. Unforgivable.


I text a moderate amount: More than your grandmother, less than a Japanese teenager. My current phone doesn’t have a super-huge screen, and I am not the biggest talker, meaning its shitty battery life is a complete mystery to me. What’s worse is, after only a few months, the phone charges less and less each time it’s plugged in, to the point that it now shows a “fully battery” icon 20 minutes after getting the juice. You little bastard, I know you aren’t fully charged! Yet try as I might to trick the phone into charging more, be it by pulling out then reinserting the plug or hurling racial slurs at it, it won’t budge.


Is this a problem only I experience? Am I some kind of mutant who disturbs electromagnetic fields and should stop writing these articles in order to take up immediate residence with Charles Xavier? Or does everyone else’s cell phone blow as much as mine and the cell phone companies are simply turning a blind eye to it, like every other American corporation that relishes effing its customers over? Wait, I think I know the answer to that.
* Unpossibe is most certainly a word.

Tagged as: Cell Phone.