This weekend, I recorded a show about the royal wedding and how annoying all the hubbub surrounding it was. “What a brilliant idea,” thought John. “Not only do I get to vent about something that annoys me, but the mere mention of the royal wedding will generate untold traffic for […]
Back in 2005, NBC put a titanic push into promoting their new comedy, The Office. I knew nothing about it at the time other than: 1. It was based upon a British show by the same name and 2. I wouldn’t watch it because obviously the British, who, by default, […]
Yesterday, with my air conditioner kaput, I sought refuge from the elements in my local public library, like any self-respecting hobo would. To my amazement, the visit was actually quite pleasant. I mean, let’s be honest: Who visits the library nowadays? My reading needs are taken care of by the […]
I like Easter. Not because I’m a religious man, but because it brings a controlled amount of candy into my life, unlike Halloween, which typically concludes with me tearing up the house like a narc on a drug bust in search of one more bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. […]
My Friday night started off with a disaster of a date, so what was I to do to salvage the night? Why, eat until the pain disappeared, of course! A few friends and I trekked to Denny’s to feast upon cheese stick sandwiches, bacon sundaes and countless other dishes that […]
In retrospect, I wasted a shocking number of hours in my early 20s trolling for ass on websites like MySpace and the now-defunct Dilly. I was an expert at being able to look at a woman’s profile and, within five seconds, deduce if she was a respectable girl, a raging […]
For those of you who simply celebrate it as Hitler’s birthday, it may come as a shock that 4/20 also has a reputation as a marijuana-based counterculture holiday, where potheads engage in a startlingly eclectic variety of activities ranging from smoking weed alone to smoking weed with their friends. My […]
Last night, my friend and co-worker Danny Rouhier mentioned in passing that it puzzled him why the Royal Wedding was such a big deal. Off the cuff, I replied that it probably had to do with Kate Middleton being a piece of ass. “But Beard,” he replied (a name bestowed […]
By now, the horrors of the film The Human Centipede have been well documented. Since I’m a dunce, though, I decided that it would be fine to watch the movie with a girl. Let’s just say I have a few words about the experience. If that weren’t enough, the host […]