And no, I’m not talking the magnum opus Aliens. Who could be afraid with Hudson protecting them? This post is one of many in a proud tradition of “Was I a relatively normal kid?” articles. It’s a rhetorical question, because I’m well aware I was a tubby little misfit, but […]
I know what you’re wondering: How can a six-year-old be accused of sexual assault? Did he get a girl to drop her diaper for beads? Convince her that she’d never make it to the first grade if she didn’t honk his acorn? Well, at the behest of the authorities, a […]
Terrorist. Murderer. Fiend. Yet there’s one crime we don’t like to admit Osama bin Laden’s guilty of: Possession of one Hell of a pair of these. I have a confession to make: I’m not the most patriotic of men. Yes, I’m very thankful to be born an American, but I’m […]
In retrospect, I wasted a shocking number of hours in my early 20s trolling for ass on websites like MySpace and the now-defunct Dilly. I was an expert at being able to look at a woman’s profile and, within five seconds, deduce if she was a respectable girl, a raging […]
No one would ever accuse my childhood of being a cornucopia of health food. Yes, my mom would boil up a pot of frozen mixed vegetables (yum) with every dinner, but I’d never actually eat them: I just thought of them as a garnish that I occasionally had to dig […]
It’s springtime again. And we all know what that means: Driving with the windows down. Women wearing less. And, if you live in Virginia, the smell of old semen permeating you like smoke at a cigar bar. That last one might seem a little left field if you’re not from […]
A few months ago, I treated myself to an iPhone 4 on the Verizon network. It was a joyous day, not unlike the birth of a child, except my iPhone will never vomit on me and I’ll have upgraded to a better phone long before it gets old enough to […]
I woke up a few days ago to a gleeful text message from my good friend Brian. Brian’s Irish, through and through, and I knew he’d been plotting some sort of revenge for the McBashin’ I gave his people in the St. Patrick’s Day article I wrote last week. “Check […]
That title read a little more euphemistically than I’d have preferred, but it got the job done. In case you thought that devouring a triumverate of Sonic’s Premium Beef Hot Dogs was the extent of my gluttony last week, I’m here to tell you that you’re tragically mistaken: I dabbled […]