Papa’s Basement Radio Show 9-4-12-Kris Humphries Has Herpes(?)
(That question mark in the episode title covers my ass legally. I think.) A woman by the name of Kayla Goldberg is taking former Kardashian by marriage Kris Humphries to […]
On this site, I tend to leave the workings of my day-to-day life rather ambiguous. It’s not because I’m afraid any of you will take the time to learn my schedule then murder me and wear my skin like a jumpsuit–I’m not vain enough to nurture such a conceit (though I’d certainly be flattered if I had such a loyal fan). Well, today I want to tell you exactly what my waking hours are going to consist of.
I’ll roll out of bed around 10 AM because I’m a young go-getter with a carpe diem kinda attitude. Then, for several hours, I’ll pace the house, making countless stops at the back window to gaze upon the freshly-dug grave of my cat Astra, whom I had to euthanize over the weekend. Usually, I’d be out working and thus unable to pass my time in such a morbid manner, but the business I own has really been in the shitter lately, so the tears will be rolling down my sissy cheeks like the semen of a backed-up trucker at a rest stop glory hole. Then, at 3 PM, a real treat awaits: I get to visit the kindly folks over at the Fairfax County Health Department and have them ram a metallic-shafted cotton swab the thickness of a cello string up my prick to test for STDs because my ex-girlfriend was both a slut and prone to hopping on my bare shaft before sliding a condom on it. Goddamn Catholics.
But you want to know the truth? As shitty as everything I’ve mentioned above is, I can get through all of it because, at 8:30 PM, the 2012 NFL Season starts. And, at that moment, I will have 21 Sundays awaiting me where life is perfect. There is no higher joy than watching 10 hours of football in a row. It is my nirvana. That moment right around the halftime of each Sunday night game where my fat ass actually merges with the couch it’s been sweating into all day, I experience true enlightenment. As if that weren’t enough, tonight’s game is being played between the Dallas Cowboys and New York Giants, two teams I hate. Nothing tops a game where you wish that both squads could somehow lose. Every injury will make my pants tighten.
So thank you, muscular black men who sacrifice your long-term health for my entertainment as old white men you refer to as your “owner” pay you millions of dollars. You make the world a better place. Let the 2012 NFL Season begin!
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