Reviewing The Raven Without Having Seen It

This week’s affront to our collective intelligence is The Raven, a movie about a serial killer whose murders pay homage to the works of Edgar Allen Poe. John Cusack plays Poe, who helps the police investigate the murders because clearly he would have some special insight into the killer’s mind. You know, the same way John Lennon helped the police track down Charles Manson because Charlie used to gang bang and order murders to the soothing strains of “Rocky Raccoon“. (That was a biting piece of sarcasm, but it isn’t 1970 and most of you didn’t spend high school reading about every serial killer you could, so it might have sailed over a few heads. For the record, John Lennon and the rest of The Beatles didn’t assist the police like an episode of Scooby-Doo.)

This movie sounds like an infinite soft serve machine of shit for countless reasons, not the least of which is the fact that serial killers aren’t creative people. If they were, they’d spend their days making cufflinks out of seashells and selling them via Etsy, not masturbating onto stab wounds. Also, Edgar Allen Poe wasn’t an action hero. He was an alcoholic junkie who happened to be a brilliant writer. If I needed my murder avenged, I’d be better off with Keith Richards on the case.

(Note: I will take back every bad word I’ve said about The Raven if John Cusack turns to the camera at any point during the movie and says this.)

Tagged as: Movie Review.