Skinny Jonah Hill Creeps Me Out
By now, you’ve all seen the ad for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 featuring a much thinner Jonah Hill. (If you haven’t, I’ve embedded it above because I’m as […]
As an American patriot, I spend each Sunday on the couch like a cancer patient, watching 11 straight hours of NFL football. One of the interesting side effects of doing so is that the advertisements that air during football games (and there aren’t many, because NFL commercial time is prohibitively expensive) tend to get stuck in my head. Those horrible Buffalo Wild Wings ads in which corrupt employees who are on the BW3 take sabotage the integrity of the game to permit a bunch of drunks to avoid going home to their neglected wives and children. Geico’s Brian Orakpo spots which have announced to the world that, when the man’s days as a linebacker whose skills are regressing at a troubling clip are over, the black Philip Seymour Hoffman will be waiting in the wings. And, as of last Sunday, I was subjected repeatedly to a commercial for Taco Bell’s newest flatulence-inducing concoction, the Triple Steak Stack, which I’ve conveniently posted below.
The beauty of fast food is that it’s never a costly experiment, so I figured what the Hell and resolved like a woman looking to get engaged that, at some point in the near future, that meat was going in my mouth. Opportunity struck last night as I was exiting my gym which, conveniently, is located next to a Taco Bell. Because I’m a sociopath and my brain can’t form simple connections like “fast food will undo all the hard work you just performed,” I immediately veered into the drive thru, justifying the steak as a protein source and the bread as a post-workout carb load. Moments later, I was hard at work in the parking lot devouring my new purchase.
The verdict? Well, for starters, the Triple Steak Stack gets points for being at least similar in size the meat-laden monster shown to us in its commercial, a welcome change from the Chicken Flatbread Sandwich, whose bun was smaller than a napkin. The Stack’s bread consisted of a soft, flavorless dough that seemed specially designed to prevent the copious grease contained within from soaking through, and the steak inside was not the usual, pleasant Taco Bell steak meat, but more akin to a chewy Steak-umm.
I’m giving the Triple Steak Stack two-out-of-four clogged arteries. At $4.99, it was a pretty crappy deal, barely 50% of the size of a footlong Subway sub with which it shares a price tag. Taco Bell’s entire allure is being able to walk away with four lbs. of food for under a dollar. If I’m going to cough up the big bucks (yet, ladies, I really just referred to $5 as “big bucks”. Rawr), I’m going to want a little more on my return than an oily dough-pocket of beef that’s so low-grade you can almost taste the awful living conditions of the cow that produced it. Plus the farts it causes are every bit as bad as you’d expect. You may never read these words ever again, so savor them well: Taco Bell, I expected more from you.
John miiiler on November 30, 2013
Oh. My. God! The worst thing I ever put in my mouth! My son (18) and I each saw a tv ad on this and ran out to get one each. We ordered our usual: soft tacos, 5 layers, soft tacos etc. At the price and how good it looked on tv, we were both stoked about the thought of it. We got home and they were INEDIBLE. After a few bites they were both given to the dogs who loved them.
Unless you’re looking for expensive dog food (and gassy dogs), pass on this “entree”.
Taco Bell, stick with what you’re good at making or you’ll scare the rest of us off!