Ten Movies to Watch on Netflix During Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is about three things: Family, gluttony and football. As long as those three items are in alignment, it’s all going to turn out okay. Sometimes, though, the Fates have other plans. Maybe your cousin finally worked up the nerve to come out of the closet and inadvertently makes the day all about him (selfish bitch). Maybe the toilet gets backed up and, suddenly, no one is able to eat, lest they make the scene of the crime even more nightmarish for the soon-to-arrive plumber. Maybe the games quickly become unwatchable blowouts (Detroit, I’m looking at you). Whatever the contingency, it’s nice to have an ace up your sleeve, a safety valve to keep the holiday manageable (besides liquor). If you’re a Netflix customer, any of the following ten movies are available for online streaming and should serve admirably in that capacity. I’ve ordered them from newest to oldest, in case you’re one of those idiots who can’t handle a movie made before 1993.

Note: If you’re too good for Netflix, you can click any of the movie photos to purchase the DVD/Blu-ray on Amazon. That’ll show me! (And make me some money, so feel free to show me several times over, Mr. Man.)

10. Star Trek (2009)

J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek manages to walk the tightrope between pleasing hardcore fans of the series and being watchable to those who touched a breast as a teenager. While it’s no Wrath of Khan, viewing it with your girlfriend won’t cause her to reevaluate those plans of ever letting you climb on top of her again, either. I suppose the Lord giveth and He taketh.

9. About Schmidt (2002)

About Schmidt is one of those great dramedies that you walk away from honestly believing that your life has been changed…until 30 minutes have passed and you’re back in front of your computer shotgunning cans of Pepsi and obsessively flipping through every website in the Reality Kings network. It tells the story of Warren Schmidt (Nicholson) coping with retirement, the death of his wife and the marriage of his daughter to an underachieving moron. If it sounds like a lighthearted knee-slapper, that’s because it is. And if that description makes you think you wouldn’t enjoy About Schmidt, might I interest you in a viewing of 2 Fast 2 Furious, followed by David Carradine-ing yourself?

8. The Big Lebowski (1998)

While I’m as tired as anyone of the world jerking its dick to the Cult of Lebowski, no amount of reverential hipster whispering can ruin this film for me. If you’re one of those sad, socially-retarded folks who goes through life alone, shielding themselves with the belief in their own superiority because they enjoy good movies, you should probably watch this one if already you haven’t. Then call me, because I think we could be friends.

7. Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (1996)

Before they injected cinematic AIDS into the innocent ass of comedy with the release of Scary Movie, I loved the Wayans clan. And, God help me for typing this, but Don’t Be a Menace is a great movie. Note that I didn’t say good. I said great. If parody comedy must be done, then this is how it should be executed. You don’t need to have watched Boyz n the Hood or Menace II Society or any of the other movies spoofed within to understand a single joke in Don’t Be a Menace, and that’s how it should be. People want to laugh, not take an effing quiz.

6. When We Were Kings (1996)

Muhammad Ali has received one of the greatest whitewashings in recent memory. Yes, what he did for the Civil Rights Movement was commendable and going to jail rather than fight in Vietnam took some balls. But he was a huge asshole to a lot of people that were really good to him and was quick to throw every other black man in boxing under the bus for being, by his standards, an Uncle Tom. This documentary about Ali’s 1974 Rumble in the Jungle against a young, afroed George Foreman touches on that (though not enough for my taste) and is plenty watchable in its own right. Plus, it’s fun to see a bunch of old liberal white guys like Norman Mailer and George Plimpton trip over each other in an effort to see who could suck Ali’s dick the hardest.

5. Dumb & Dumber (1994)

I’m not wasting anyone’s time telling them why they should watch the greatest comedy of the past 20 years. I only suggest this because, after hundreds of viewings of the censored version that’s broadcast on TBS, it’s a nice change of pace to see this triumph in all of its uncut glory.

4. The Last of the Mohicans (1994)

If I hadn’t called Jack Nicholson the greatest actor of all time 400 words ago, I’d be calling Daniel Day-Lewis that now. A person could watch him take a dump and be moved to tears by the time he wiped. The Last of the Mohicans is an amazing looking film, one of Michael Mann’s finest, and features great acting not only from Danny Day, but also a film-stealing turn from Wes Studi (aka that guy who plays every Native American role ever) as Magua, one of the baddest villains that cinema’s ever produced.

3. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

This Is Spinal Tap is responsible for so much in modern comedy. Hell, it gave birth to the entire “mockumentary” genre (a word that I want to punch myself in the dick for typing). If you haven’t seen it, please do. I guarantee no fewer than five moments where you’ll say, “Oh, so that’s where that line is from.” Then you can repeat the film verbatim to your coworkers on Monday. And then they’ll laugh at you for being decades late to the party. And then you can spit in their coffee when they’re not looking because why’d they have to be jerks about it?

2. Airplane! (1980)

Airplane! was written and directed by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker. That’s enough Jewiness to guarantee that it’s an average comedy at worst. Thankfully, it also features the brilliant Leslie Nielsen and a young Julie Hagerty looking, dare I say it, kinda bangable. Much like This Is Spinal Tap fathered the mockumentary, Airplane! is the reason that things like Date Movie exist. Don’t hold that against it, though. That’s like saying Demi Moore is less sexy because she’s responsible for Rumer Willis; it just isn’t so. Though I bet her vagina did take a stretching while passing that chin. Hmm.

1. Superman (1978)

There’s never been another comic book movie on par with Superman. It had the balls to be lighthearted and innocent, unlike today’s offerings from DC and Marvel which cant wait to out-angst eachother. (At this rate, I’m expecting the next Batman reboot to feature a storyline involving Alfred blowing Bruce Wayne in his childhood.) None of that crap for Superman, though, which featured Übermensch Christopher Reeve (or Christopher “Reeves,” as I almost typed it, because I’m black at heart and tend to add the letter “s” to names that don’t end in it) and the criminally underrated Gene Hackman giving us two-and-a-half hours of nonstop entertainment. Plus it featured actual special effects, not horrible computer graphics that everyone pretends look real for some reason.

Tagged as: Netflix.