Some words just don’t belong together. “Tuna” and “ice cream”. “Cornerback” and “white”. “Grandmother” and “blowjob”. Add “Abraham Lincoln” and “vampire hunter” to that list. Mark my words when I say that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is going to be an unwatchable piece of campy shit. Not fun campy shit, […]
The case of Adam Sandler endlessly fascinates me. The man generates more money at the box office than the GDP of most African countries (blood diamonds and zebra pelts does not an economy make). And there was a time when I actually did find him funny. Yet Adam has long […]
Taco Bell is the LEGO of fast food: It has six different “bricks” – meat, cheese, tortillas, beans, taco shells and sour cream – which it regularly mashes into different combinations, then declares “Hey, we made a new product!” Usually, it’s a success. After all, those are pretty tasty bricks. […]
It’s a rarity when I write one of these movie reviews rooting for the film to be good. Mainly because it’s funny to mock a piece of crappy work and I like looking down at people interested in fare I deem stupid in order to feel better about myself. But […]
In a twist that blindsided me yet every woman apparently saw coming a mile away because they’re empathetic creatures swimming in hormones and menstrual blood, Lane Pryce offed himself in this week’s episode of Mad Men (click here to view the episode online via Amazon). I feel bad for Jared […]
Another summer weekend, another piece of unnecessary cinematic shit we’re supposed to care about. This week’s offering is Snow White and the Huntsman, which features Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart and Thor. Why was it made? I’m not sure. I haven’t seen Disney’s Snow White in 25 years because I don’t […]
I never saw the point of the Men in Black movies, other than making possible millions of parody gay porn titles like Black in Men that I’m sure exist. (SURE BECAUSE I OWN THEM.) Not that I’m some connoisseur of the highbrow – I’ve watched both the Male Gigolo and […]
“The twist is that the [people of Planet] Negron are white.” -Harry Crane No show understands human desire more thoroughly than Mad Men. Last night’s episode, “Christmas Waltz” (click here to purchase via Amazon) was a showcase of wants and needs, all beautifully written, all painfully believable. I won’t get […]
I’m not sure how Tim Burton still has a career. He hasn’t directed a movie that received better-than-mixed reviews since Ed Wood. His films, while rarely financial bombs, don’t do particularly well at the box office. And he isn’t Jewish. In fact, the only thing I can think of that […]