Papa’s Basement 5-16-11-When Did I Become an Old Twat About Drinking?
I was a groomsman for the first (and, given how infrequently my friends get laid, probably last) time in my life last weekend, and even I, who was awesome enough […]
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Finally, A Female Teacher-Male Student Sex Case That’s Obviously Rape
We’ve all heard the story before. A female teacher, accused of sleeping with a male student, is charged with rape. I have no idea how the average person reacts to […]
The Latest Song I Hate Myself for Loving
Everyone has songs they’re ashamed to admit they love. For example, I’m unable to turn the dial any time Ke$ha’s “Your Love is My Drug” comes on. Ke$ha’s a cow […]
Is Roger Ebert a Stale Old Fart?
The film Kick-Ass was released a little over a year ago. A tale of a comic-obsessed teen who decides to don a mask himself and fight crime, it sounds like […]
I Hope the Severed Head of Walt Disney Doesn’t Sue Me
Thanks to my friend Jen for obliging me and taking the time to sketch this piece. My drawings look like something Muhammad Ali tried to whip up with his left […]
Criminal Mastermind Caught Stealing Over $10k in Legos
10-year-old me just creamed his Spider-Man Underoos imagining how many Legos $10k must buy. A Norman, Oklahoma man was arrested on a grand larceny complaint for attempting to steal over […]
Was I the Only Kid Scared Sh*tless of Aliens?
And no, I’m not talking the magnum opus Aliens. Who could be afraid with Hudson protecting them? This post is one of many in a proud tradition of “Was I […]
Six-Year-Old Accused of Sexual Assault
I know what you’re wondering: How can a six-year-old be accused of sexual assault? Did he get a girl to drop her diaper for beads? Convince her that she’d never […]
Osama bin Laden’s Death Hit Me Like a Viagra
Terrorist. Murderer. Fiend. Yet there’s one crime we don’t like to admit Osama bin Laden’s guilty of: Possession of one Hell of a pair of these. I have a confession […]
Papa’s Basement 5-2-11-Thanks For Destroying My Web Traffic, Bin Laden
This weekend, I recorded a show about the royal wedding and how annoying all the hubbub surrounding it was. “What a brilliant idea,” thought John. “Not only do I get […]
Steve Carell Says Goodbye to The Office
Back in 2005, NBC put a titanic push into promoting their new comedy, The Office. I knew nothing about it at the time other than: 1. It was based upon […]
Did We Really Need The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Explain This One?
Yesterday, with my air conditioner kaput, I sought refuge from the elements in my local public library, like any self-respecting hobo would. To my amazement, the visit was actually quite […]
Rating the Best (and Worst) Easter Candy
I like Easter. Not because I’m a religious man, but because it brings a controlled amount of candy into my life, unlike Halloween, which typically concludes with me tearing up […]
Papa’s Basement 4-25-11-Gorging at the Trough of Denny’s Baconalia
My Friday night started off with a disaster of a date, so what was I to do to salvage the night? Why, eat until the pain disappeared, of course! A […]
The Three Most Idiotic Phrases Women Can Quote Online
In retrospect, I wasted a shocking number of hours in my early 20s trolling for ass on websites like MySpace and the now-defunct Dilly. I was an expert at being […]