Saying that I’m reviewing The Amazing Spider-Man without having seen it is a lie, because I watched the film when it came out ten years ago and was called Spider-Man. I was a big fan of that movie. It had an innocence and joy about it and wasn’t afraid to […]
Women are lucky. Maybe I have zero comprehension of what makes them tick sexually, but I get the feeling that watching a movie like Magic Mike is as titillating to them as gorging on 30-second Bang Bros clips is to men. Which pisses me off, because they’re getting porn with […]
Seth MacFarlane gets a bad rap from a lot of people. For some reason, everyone wants to act like they’re better than Family Guy, even though we’re all one utterance of “Cool H-whip” away from quoting that bit in its entirety. I also think American Dad is really well done […]
Some words just don’t belong together. “Tuna” and “ice cream”. “Cornerback” and “white”. “Grandmother” and “blowjob”. Add “Abraham Lincoln” and “vampire hunter” to that list. Mark my words when I say that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is going to be an unwatchable piece of campy shit. Not fun campy shit, […]
The case of Adam Sandler endlessly fascinates me. The man generates more money at the box office than the GDP of most African countries (blood diamonds and zebra pelts does not an economy make). And there was a time when I actually did find him funny. Yet Adam has long […]
It’s a rarity when I write one of these movie reviews rooting for the film to be good. Mainly because it’s funny to mock a piece of crappy work and I like looking down at people interested in fare I deem stupid in order to feel better about myself. But […]
Another summer weekend, another piece of unnecessary cinematic shit we’re supposed to care about. This week’s offering is Snow White and the Huntsman, which features Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart and Thor. Why was it made? I’m not sure. I haven’t seen Disney’s Snow White in 25 years because I don’t […]
I never saw the point of the Men in Black movies, other than making possible millions of parody gay porn titles like Black in Men that I’m sure exist. (SURE BECAUSE I OWN THEM.) Not that I’m some connoisseur of the highbrow – I’ve watched both the Male Gigolo and […]
I’m not sure how Tim Burton still has a career. He hasn’t directed a movie that received better-than-mixed reviews since Ed Wood. His films, while rarely financial bombs, don’t do particularly well at the box office. And he isn’t Jewish. In fact, the only thing I can think of that […]