Had The Avengers been released five years ago, I would have needed two tickets to view it: One for myself, and one for my erection, which would have jutted into the seat in front of me. Sadly, it is now 2012, and I think the thrill of superhero movies has […]
This week’s affront to our collective intelligence is The Raven, a movie about a serial killer whose murders pay homage to the works of Edgar Allen Poe. John Cusack plays Poe, who helps the police investigate the murders because clearly he would have some special insight into the killer’s mind. […]
If you think watching The Three Stooges looks like a good idea this weekend, here are some other activities I think you might enjoy giving a try: Drink lead paint smoothies. Get shot in the testicles by Robocop. Huff some jenkem. Visit one of these. Those were just suggestions. Really, […]
(Note: This one time, you shouldn’t lend too much credence to what I say, because, according to Rotten Tomatoes, Cabin is apparently the Citizen fucking Kane of slasher films. At least according to its score on Rotten Tomatoes. I still won’t watch it, though.) I’ve never understood horror as a […]
Time has not been kind to the American Pie series. The original trilogy seems largely forgotten, and there have been dozens of horrible, straight-to-video releases that feature only Eugene Levy and his eyebrows from the first three movies. So I really don’t know why a decision was made to go […]
This post has a misleading title, because I’ve seen Titanic before (though it was the normal version and not this tarted-up 3D affair). I remember hating it until, as they say in the movie industry, “Shit went down, son,” at which point I laughed myself hoarse watching a bunch of […]
The original Clash of the Titans was one of those oddball fantasy movies that, along with Krull and The Beastmaster, invariably managed to be on TBS any time I was up spending the night tripping balls on cough syrup as a teen. It featured laughable special effects and was recorded […]
One would assume that Bully offers a glimpse into the current “epidemic” of adolescent bullying. Not to sound like a dick, but I don’t get why bullying is the hot new cause du jour. People have been bullied forever, and teaching kids that the answer to bullying is to cry […]
Unfamiliar with the premise of The Hunger Games? Here’s a paragraph from the movie’s promotional material: In a future where society is on the verge of collapse, massive unemployment and inflation have thrown most adults into a state of chaos; the nation’s youth culture responds with unprecedented violence, delinquency, and […]